Still in shock, but before I forget....

 I wanted to write down how I found out I was pregnant with the baby I was told I could never conceive. I have to start at the beginning, back in January of 2010, when I was diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve and high FSH. My fertility clinic told me I was near hopeless during my second appointment with them.  They graciously offered to try and help me, because of my age (being very young) and because of my two recent miscarriages, that showed I could still in fact, get pregnant. Diminished ovarian reserve basically means, you're at the bottom of your egg pool. You are born with all the eggs you will ever have and when you run out, thats it. FSH measures how fertile you are. The higher the number, the worse it is. I was a 58. A person of age 30 should have an FSH of  just 5. So basically, my ovaries are that of a 70 year old. So, not wasting any time, I got right to work trying to get pregnant. IVF was NOT an option for me, anyone with FSH over 15 is not accepted into the IVF program. Obviously, I was too far gone. So, for 4 months I went in to the hospital 4 or 5 times a month at 4am, juggling schedules with Brian and friends so I wouldn't have to take Lexi, waiting in line, getting my blood drawn umpteen times, numerous ultrasounds, injected myself daily with hormones, inseminations, and subjected myself to mounds of heart break. In the end, I never got pregnant and I was told the only way I could grow my family, was adoption or donor egg IVF.

After months of dwelling on my infertility, feeling useless and hating my body, myself, pregnant ladies, babies...everyone, I slowly started to let all go. My husband was okay with it and suddenly I looked forward to the future- getting pregnant again using donor eggs. Accepting that the child would not biologically be mine, I knew in my heart that it wouldn't matter to me. I knew I would love it just as much as Lexi, and I was okay. We had a lot of saving to do. Starting from scratch, we needed 30k for donor egg IVF. Ouch. Having a goal and seeing our bank account piling up really made me feel better about everything. In July 2010, I started to focus on my body and getting myself fit rather than the fact that I was NOT pregnant. If I couldn't have a baby, I was going to be THIN and FIT! END. OF. STORY. And for a year, I did just that.

So a year later, in August 2011, about 30 lbs lighter with a little muscle too, Lexi and I had just returned from a family trip to Wisconsin. I couldn't seem to catch up on sleep. I didn't want to run, I didn't want to do ANYTHING.So not like me. I was horribly tired with short waves of nausea. I kept waiting for my monthly visitor, not even really knowing when it would be stopping by exactly, but I had a feeling it was late. It kind of made me sad, because I was told over a year ago, a new friend, MENOPAUSE would be coming to live with me soon. I figured thats what was happening to me and against the advice of my best friend, I did NOT take a pregnancy test. I would rather have chopped off my right arm and poke out my eye balls than see ONE PINK LINE, as I had seen SOOOOOO many times before. The pain of being infertile was still there and one pink line might drag it out of the closet where it had been happily resting for so long. After a week however, I realized I was definitely at least a week late and Becky convinced me to take a test. Another good friend gave me a left over test she had, newly pregnant herself, she had no use for it. I kind of felt bad taking it, like I was just wasting it, a perfectly GOOD, EXPENSIVE digital test, but I took it anyway and went home to test. I knew what the answer was going to be and I was even on the phone with Brian while I... well, you know... peed on it. I never told him what I was doing, so mid-conversation I brought myself to look down to see the results- SHOCKED to see a test that was showing PREGNANT. Frantically, my eyes scanned the rest of the window for the NOT part of the PREGNANT! I mean- IT HAD TO BE THERE! But it was NO WHERE to be seen! I started screaming, crying, panicking.... Brian on the phone, Lexi at my side had NO idea what the commotion was about. After a few moments, I finally was able to spit out the words "I'M PREGNANT" to Brian who was SHOCKED as ever because he hadn't really a clue I was even LATE (besides a quick joke I made a few days before about possibly being pregnant, to which we both laughed histerically!) and I had to calm my child who was crying over my sudden reaction.

At first, I was so excited that pregnancy was even ACHIEVABLE, even if the pregnancy wasn't viable, I just couldn't keep the news to myself! I called my family, I called a few friends. Panic set in pretty fast, another impending miscarriage... YAY. What did I REALLY think would happen with this baby? REALLY. Yet, I was still excited to have conceived. Monday morning, I called my RE, and left a message. He never called me back. So two days later, I called him again.... He answered this time and said he wanted blood ASAP to see "HOW PREGNANT I REALLY WAS". Rightfully stated. I get it, but I still wanted to slap him for phrasing it as though he didn't believe me. I had my blood drawn within an hour of talking to him. I waited for him to call me back, but he didn't. So, the next day I made Brian check my labs. My HCG was 4000+! AMAZING and I knew it! Brian ordered more labs for the next day, having been through this, we knew the key was having your hormones double every 2 days. So, early Friday I had my blood drawn again. A few hours later I received a call from my RE. He isn't  the type of doc that makes you feel warm and fuzzy or like its all going to be okay, if he isnt sure. So I was shocked  that he actually had GOOD things to say about my HCG levels. I was excited to hear they were NOW over 8000+! DOUBLED!! He wanted to see my lil' embro for himself and scheduled me two weeks later for an ultrasound. So the waiting continued.......

 It was a painful two weeks. I worried constantly about miscarriage and I felt mildly insane. I just didn't know why this would happen to me, if it was going to end up bad.  FINALLY, on August 31st I had my first ultrasound at 1pm. I was a mess the entire day. I didnt know what to think. Would I be okay if there wasn't anything in there? If it wasn't alive? I was feeling a little sick, so at least that was a good sign. Brian came as well. Either to witness the impossible or hold my hand while I broke down in disappointment- we weren't sure which. The ultrasound started at 1:45pm and I held my breath.... sure enough, there was a tiny baby with a solid heart beat, 139 bpm and measuring 7w 2d. So crazy! Mission impossible- POSSIBLE. I was told to come back in a week. My RE had his doubts about this baby making it another week and to top it off, my last two hadn't made it past 8 weeks. So, for another week, I felt like I was just waiting to have a miscarriage.

Two ultrasounds later, at 8 and 9 weeks, the baby was still alive and kicking! (Literally!) The heart beat had even gone up to 172 bpm and was measuring a day bigger, 8w 3d the second ultrasound and 9w 3d the third. At this point my RE was very impressed by this kids progress even stating he was sure it would probably make it and acting very excited for me. He didn't see it necessary to see me again for 5 1/2 weeks and excitedly offered to do all of my prenatal care, booking me for more appointments, which gave me hope! He told me that making it through the first trimester would be a big milestone, so more waiting was in store for me, of course. Grrrrrr. Some days I really wished I could have been sedated until my due date, so I didn't have to deal with all the waiting, but it was getting easier to do and I felt a strange calm about the whole thing.

The first two weeks were hard to get though without having a physical view of the baby to guarantee it was still alive, but the nausea did help calm me down. I had my share of break downs too though. I'm not sure how its possible, but the first time I felt it move was at 13 weeks and during my 14th week it was almost every day. Now I know exactly when its more wiggly times are and I can feel it stretching and flipping around everyday at certain times. I'm so thankful I can feel it moving. Its a blessing and a treat! Very reassuring to know its still in there. Im starting to feel more like myself  too, and not like a lazy hormone monster who would kill for a donut. I worry about miscarriage less and less, though, I admit, its always in the back of my mind. I doubt ill get over it until I deliver, which according to my RE is when ill be out of the woods with this kid.

 Only 25 weeks to go.
........ More waiting.


HIGH FSH. Hope. FSH 58